Because unfortunately the law requires the victim to report the crime, and unfortunately i am not victim. I just have the knowledge of the crime. I have done what i can to try and out him for it, but unless the victim comes forward, nothing will happen.
Time is on my side in this predicament. I have to respect Sarahs decision but i also have to validate my wants. So i just have to find the balance between that and eventually things will come back. Horrorshow for the win
oh i absolutely agree with you and looking back on my relationship with her and realising just how dependent i was on her really opened my eyes. but i also realise just how much better i was getting by being with her. little by little i was gaining my own mental and emotional stability, to the point where i thought with just a little more time i wouldnt need to lean on her and both of us could interact as two individuals that love each other. Unfortunately i didnt make it to that point and she also realised just how much she was dependent on me and made the difficult decision to make it on her own. Im hopeful that in our time away from each other we might find out “independence” and “stability” and we will reunite together stronger than ever. And i dont care if thats wishful thinking or if someone says i should move on. Why should i when i know that this is possible? im open to whatever comes my way, but im even more open to the possibility that sarah and i will be together again, because above all else, and to quote Horrorshow, she will always be my first and most wonderful love.
Well im currently back at tafe so im working on tafe related things. I also shoot football videos for my old highschool so that keeps me really busy and ive recently started filming business seminars which are lik 10 hours long so the editing process is ridiculously long. so in terms of my own personal videos, honestly nothing. im just too busy for that atm, but in the holidays or when ive got more free time i’ll definitely try and put together something
im guessing you liked it then :) but i guess sometimes its the stories such as these that ring a bell in all of us. they remind us how vulnerable we can be as human beings and wake us up to the fact that we can all feel and empathise with every little thing if we just try. and i guess throughout that story, its about empathising with loss and how losing someone important in your life can affect you so much. And now more than ever, that rings home for me.
Two Seats Behind
There is a boy who catches my bus who has bluey-grey eyes as clear as the lake the kids go swimming in. He sits with his friends and laughs a lot at little things. And when his friends are silent, he looks out the window. I sit two seats behind him and I think he is beautiful.
I don’t have many friends at school these days. I sit by myself. I don’t think anyone really wants to sit with me. People stare and poke fun. But it’s not fun at all. My English teacher tries to get me to participate in class, but I’m afraid of what others will think of me. How they will see me. What they will say about me. Too many people sit and talk about me. They wonder terrible things about me. If only they knew how true they were. My teacher says I’m intelligent, he thinks I’m a caring and subtle person, and that I should come out of my shell. But this is the only thing that protects me from the world. He says I should try to make friends. But it’s not that easy. People call me names, but it’s never my real name. I only ever hear that at home, and it’s never a happy sound. I’ve never heard a compliment from anyone except my teacher. It’s depressing to know just how alone you really are. My only ‘friend’ is someone that is paid to teach me and push me to be ‘better’. Someone who is given a reward to act like he cares. He doesn’t care. He’s a liar, like all the rest out there. He cares from pay cheque to pay cheque. Just like how my father cares less from drink to drink. My face still hurts from last night. I tried my best to hide the bruises, but I’m tired of using make up. They should call it fake up. It just makes me want to throw up from all the pain. Why is there always such a difference in pain? Why is it when I run a razor across my thigh I feel so much better but when my father’s hand strikes me across my face it burns like the greatest torture? Why is there such a fine line between pain and serenity? Maybe the boy on my bus would know. Maybe he would care.
There is a boy who catches my bus who acts happy every morning from 7am. He sits with his friends and gives them empty smiles and wears long sleeves in the middle of summer. I sit two seats behind him and I think he is beautiful.
I wear jeans in summer, never dresses. I’m not pretty enough for that. I even have to wear scarfs sometimes to hide the bluey-grey marks around my neck. I sweat all day under all these layers. Under all that I have to cover up. I’m growing tired of it. I’ve had enough of sweeping my life under the carpet. I tried stopping the fake up today. I made a mistake in doing that. I hate the councilor. She’s another one that is paid to care. Paid to make an impression from pay cheque to pay cheque. She doesn’t care. She just wants a report from me so that she can claim that she’s helping. She can’t help. Nobody can. I just sit at home and throw on an angry record and drift away. A melody is all I need to smile and dream. And when I dream I see that boy on the bus, the boy with the bluey-grey eyes. He lays here with me. He doesn’t hold me. No. He just looks at me. He doesn’t lie to me with his looks. He smiles at me, with honesty and delight, with hope. He’d lay there with my music and me, and tell me to put away the razor. But every dream is a nightmare for me, because with every dream I have to wake up. And that’s when I cut again. That’s when I feel better again. And I look in the mirror at my bluey-grey bruises and think of the boy on the bus as I bleed out all the pain of yesterday.
There is a boy who catches my bus who has bluey-grey eyes as empty as the lake the kids go swimming in, in winter. He sits with his friends and stares at his lap and when his friends say something funny, he doesn’t laugh anymore. I sit two seats behind him and I think’s he’s beautiful.
I don’t say much to anyone anymore, not that I ever did. It’s just that there’s nothing more left to say. My councilor spends our sessions interrogating me about my bruises and my scars. I knew wearing a dress in winter was silly. But I was drawn to the cold and the way it shrivels me up inside and burns the tops of my skin so gloriously, freezing my hands so wondrously. It makes me numb, so I don’t have to feel. In a weird way, it makes me feel alive again, almost happy. But I hadn’t felt happy in so long, it was hard to remember what that really felt like. But still she questioned me. I didn’t want to give her answers so I just stared back with lies. Lies covered in more lies. Lies that held the truth at bay. Lies that kept the honesty away. Lies I knew that would protect me. Lies I knew that lied. Lies I knew that didn’t protect me. Lies that made me worse. But with all these lies, I was starting to forget the truth. But that wouldn’t matter soon. I was building the confidence to talk to the boy on the bus. With him, I wouldn’t ever have to lie anymore. I’ll smile truthfully at him. And he’ll fix me. Just you wait. He’ll help me empty out the bottles of my despair like my father empties bottles of Jack and Daniels. He’ll help me leave this world behind and get away from all the pain and misery. He’ll be the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down. You’ll see. I’ll be happy again.
There was a boy who caught my bus who was found by his parents after he had hung himself. He wrote a letter to his friends and told them that he loved them. He wrote a letter to his parents saying sorry. And he wrote a letter to the sad girl who sat two seats behind him on the bus, and told her that she was beautiful.
Beautiful. That’s what he called me. Beautiful. I told my English teacher I wasn’t going to be at his next class. He asked me what appointment I had. I said it was with someone special. He smiled. He didn’t know. But maybe he did care. Maybe behind the green backs and the suit and tie there was a heart much like the boy on the bus. As I walked away from the gates I wondered how the world could take from me such hope and nearing reward. I look down at my arms and saw the scabs of the past; how they reminded me of a time I no longer wanted. And now, as though life could not take from me any more from me, the chance I had to live my life in love and in safety has gone too soon. I crave the boy with the bluey-grey eyes. The boy who told me I was beautiful. I want to tell him the same; I want to tell him he is the one. So I will go to him. I will join him finally. I was ready for him now, ready to take a leap of faith. I stood above a bed of grass and stone, and I was ready to lay down and sleep. There is no blue amongst its grey, and that is all I want.
umm well because creative wasnt usually giving back to us as a mark from the HSC i dont exactly know how i went, but i do know that from Trials i got 14 out of 15 for my creative. so i guess i was doing something right with my creative. However its one thing to be able to string words together like i do in my captions and a completely different thing to string together a coherent story that incorporates a stimulus and a concept.
also side note, i did manage to make my mother cry from the story that i wrote for the hsc, so theres that
I wanna know what people assume about me because of my tumblr.
Put an assumption in my ask. I’ll confirm or dispute it. I’m not gonna be mean or anything, I’m just very interested.
Dear person i like/ dear ex girlfriend,
i love you. that is the long and short of it. i know that things are changing for you now very quickly, the HSC is an important part of your life and i hope that you achieve all that you want. But know that through your decision, you broke me. It’s difficult for me to say this to you, because i know how easily these things make you stressed and anxious but that is how i am feeling. I dont want to force you into anything you dont want to be in, and i never will do that. But despite that (and i know this hypocritical) i hope you find a way back to me because you made me into the most amazing version of myself. I know i had difficulties in myself, in terms of blaming myself and taking ownership of every little problem, but through every stupid situation you were always there to tell me that i was amazing and that i was worth something. You gave me value and i was so close to valuing myself on my own. And without your support now, im back to square one. I know im sliding down a pipe dream hoping you come back to me, but it puts a smile on my face knowing that it could all come back and that i just have to wait for it. I wont deny my feelings for you nor will i suppress my affections, because that is not what i do. While you may be happy in your time away from me, unfortunately i am not, and i am not okay with that. Im not saying i want you to be unhappy, because i have always wanted for you to be happy and fulfilled. But i too want to feel that way. I want to be happy and fulfilled. And i was happy and fulfilled with you. I just can’t understand why that still cannot be and why cant make that happen again. But maybe we can, maybe in the near future we can come back and fall in love all over again, because i promise you if that happens, you will not regret it because you are worth more than anything i have ever known. I love you more than i can explain and i want to make you happy. I just want a chance at finding nirvana again, because being with you made me believe that there was heaven on earth and it was contained behind the locker of your deep blue eyes.
can you like bring me a whole sack of money so i dont have to worry about paying for things because im kinda half broke.
dear person im jealous of,
honestly hate the fact that im jealous of you because you’re one of my best mates and we’ve been there for each other for ages. But you’re simply just better looking than me and its a real knock to the man hood when i cant look the same way you do even though people think we look alike. I just wish i could have that.
Dear person i hate,
You are a manipulative little rat that seems to only survive based on your creation of false popularity. If people really knew how you treated those around you especially girls, you would be alone. But people don’t know, people haven’t found out and for that you are luckier than you deserve. Because what you truly deserve is a small cell, no lights and no safety. Because that is how you treat girls, you treat them like they are property for you to use and i hope that you get whats coming to you. But first and foremost, i hope you one day learn the meaning of the word “no”, because i can tell you right now, that if you dont, the you’ll very quickly the learn the meaning of “incarceration”. Oh and fuck you.
Dear mum and dad,
you’ve both changed, you’re not the same people you used to be and its about damn time you realised that your relationship is not only toxic to yourselves, but toxic to your family. You need to realise that you’ve tried everything to fix yourself but it just hasnt worked and its about time you look eachother in the eye and just move on. Because nothing else is working. I’ll still love the both of you no matter what, but the more you hurt eachother the more you hurt me and my sister. And you just have to stop before i stop caring.
Dear future me,
i don’t know happened to you and i dont know what you’re going to be, but i hope that you are happy. I hope that you’re able to wake up in them morning and not feel so terrible. I hope you’re able to listen to a sad song and know that your life is good but that you can still empathise with lyrics. I hope that you are able to smile and truly mean it. I hope that you find someone to make you happy and i hope that you fall in love again. I selfishly hope that you may have reunited with sarah but that is far too hard to tell. But really above all else i hope that you validate yourself. I hope that you are able to tell yourself that you are a good person and believe it. Because you are and no one can take that away from you.
Dear past me,
you did everything you could. you put everything into that relationship and for 15 months you were the happiest person in the world. While that may be over for now, you need to find a way to accept that things change and life will go on. Life isnt easy, so don’t expect it to be that way. Just keep your chin up and keep moving forward. Know that its okay to feel vulnerable, know that it’s okay to be weak at times and lost. But know even more so that things get better and that time heals all. You just have to know that time cannot be sped up. Learn that you shouldnt be so focus on the pursuit of happiness but instead focus on the pursuit itself, because that is where happiness comes from.
I will write about the following, leave some in my ask box.
Dear person I hate,
Dear person I like,
Dear ex boyfriend,
Dear ex girlfriend,
Dear ex bestfriend,
Dear future me,
Dear past me,
Dear person I’m jealous of,
Dear person I had a crush on,